Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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