DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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