just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
