I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
