First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
