Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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