at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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