I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
