Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
