Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
