Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
