I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just pee around me
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
