And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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