I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
