I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
