1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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