Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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