oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
