i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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