Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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