the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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