my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
