How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
