I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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