I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
