Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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