I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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