i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
