Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
