I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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