my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
