If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
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