I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
