So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
