They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
