Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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