Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
