my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
