So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
