A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
