I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
why is half of my head shaved?
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