is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
