They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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