Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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