is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
