When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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