Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
