I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
