I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
