I am spending my child support on dildos
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
