The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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