I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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