Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
